Love in 90 Days

Dating After Widowhood: How to Make Room for Love Again

Sam Kirschner — Tue, 10 Nov 2026 07:54:56 -0800

By Dr. Diana Kirschner, psychologist, PBS Love Expert, and bestselling author of Love in 90 Days

The short answer

Dating after widowhood is not a betrayal of your late husband. According to psychologist and PBS Love Expert Dr. Diana Kirschner, you’re ready to date again when you can welcome a real person into your life without asking him to replace the man you lost. There’s no “right” waiting period. What matters is that you’re choosing connection out of readiness, not just to quiet loneliness, and that you move at a pace that keeps your heart protected.

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Can I tell you something? The first time you even think about dating after widowhood, you might feel two things at once that seem like they can’t possibly live side by side: a quiet longing for companionship, and a fierce loyalty to the man you loved.

Maybe you’ve caught yourself wondering whether wanting a warm hand across the dinner table means you’re leaving him behind.

It doesn’t. Love never asks you to erase a cherished chapter before you begin a new one.

For so many women, widowhood changes far more than a relationship status. It reshapes your routines, your identity, your friendships, your finances, your role in the family, even the way you picture the future. So this isn’t just about downloading an app or saying yes to coffee. It’s about allowing yourself to rise into the fullness of your brilliance again, with your history honored and your heart protected.

Key takeaways

✦ Grief has no calendar. Some widows feel ready in months, others in years, and neither is “better.”

✦ Loving again doesn’t erase your first love. The two relationships hold different places in your story.

✦ Guilt is a normal sign your heart is adjusting, not proof you’re doing something wrong.

✦ Loneliness and readiness feel similar but aren’t the same. Readiness lets you see a man clearly.

✦ Reconnecting with your Diamond Self, the radiant woman beneath grief and roles, helps you attract a partner who truly cherishes you.

✦ Look for patterns, not promises: consistency, follow-through, and emotional safety.

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Is It a Betrayal to Date After Your Husband Dies?

No. Dating again is not a betrayal. Your late husband holds a permanent place in your story, and a new partner, if you choose one, would hold a different place. These loves aren’t in competition. They’re different relationships shaped by different seasons of your life.

Here’s what I know for sure: you can miss your husband deeply and still want affection, conversation, touch, and the comfort of being truly seen. Both things can be true at once.

Love doesn’t require you to erase a cherished chapter of your life before you can begin a new one.

How Long Should a Widow Wait Before Dating?

There’s no set waiting period. Grief has no calendar. Some women feel ready to meet someone within months; others need years. Neither timeline is morally superior.

So instead of asking, “Have I waited long enough for other people?” try asking the more loving question: “Can I make room for a real person in my life without asking him to replace the man I lost?” If the honest answer is yes, or even “I think so,” you may be closer to ready than you realize.

Why Do I Feel Guilty About Dating as a Widow?

Guilt is one of the most common feelings widows describe, and it usually shows up right when life starts to feel good again: when you laugh out loud, dress up for dinner, or feel that first little spark of attraction.

Treat that guilt gently. It’s often a sign that your heart is adjusting to a new reality, not proof that you’re doing something wrong. Sound familiar? You’re in very good company.

What if my family doesn’t approve?

Sometimes the people around you have feelings about your love life, too. Adult children may worry that a new relationship dishonors their father or changes family traditions. Friends may project their own ideas about what’s “too soon.”

Listen with compassion, but don’t hand over your authority. You’re the woman living this life. Your emotional needs matter. Your future matters. Remember: you deserve a life that feels full, not just one that keeps everyone else comfortable.

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How Do I Know If I’m Ready to Date Again, or Just Lonely?

Loneliness makes almost any attention feel meaningful. Readiness lets you notice whether a man is actually kind, consistent, emotionally available, and capable of real partnership. That’s the difference.

And please hear me: there is nothing shameful about loneliness. After years of marriage, the quiet can be startling. You miss having someone to text about the little things, someone who knows how you take your coffee, someone whose presence softens the edges of a hard day. But a relationship chosen mainly to silence pain can leave you feeling even more alone inside it.

Readiness doesn’t mean you never cry, never miss your husband, or feel completely fearless. It means you’re willing to be present with another person. You can be curious instead of desperate. You can let a man reveal who he is over time, rather than deciding he must be “the one” simply because he filled an empty seat.

Ask yourself: Am I looking for rescue, distraction, friendship, romance, or a true life partner? Your answer may change over time, and that’s okay. What matters is that you tell yourself the truth, with tenderness.

Is it okay to feel like a beginner at dating?

Absolutely. Even if you were married for decades, you don’t have to know how modern dating works right away. You might feel awkward with dating apps, unsure about texting etiquette, or surprised by how quickly people expect to meet. That doesn’t mean you’re behind. It means you’re learning a new language.

Start at a pace that keeps you connected to yourself:

Have one conversation at a time.
Choose a daytime coffee instead of a long evening date.
Meet men through friends, faith communities, and shared interests before (or alongside) online dating.

There’s no prize for moving fast. A woman in her feminine radiance doesn’t chase urgency. She lets discernment lead.

There’s no prize for moving fast. Let discernment lead.

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How Do I Rediscover Myself After Losing My Husband?

Start by remembering that you are so much more than what happened to you. Widowhood can become an identity other people place around you, even when they mean well. They may see you as the strong one, the grieving one, the caregiver, or the woman who had a beautiful marriage. Yet you are still sensual, intelligent, funny, spiritual, capable, and worthy of being chosen and cherished.

Before you focus on attracting a partner, reconnect with the parts of you that make you feel alive:

Wear something that reminds you of your beauty.
Return to music, travel, movement, creativity, or the friendships that let you feel like you.
Practice receiving compliments instead of brushing them away.

This isn’t about performing youth or pretending loss never touched you. It’s about remembering your Diamond Self, the term I use in my coaching and in my book The Diamond Self Secret for the essential, radiant woman beneath grief, roles, and old fears. When you feel rooted in her, you’re far less likely to settle for crumbs of attention from men who can’t meet you with care. Read case examples of widows doing this amazing work here.

A new relationship should add warmth to a life that’s already becoming yours again. It should never require you to become smaller, quieter, or endlessly accommodating just to keep someone interested.

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What Should a Widow Look For in a New Partner?

Look for a man who is consistent, keeps his word, respects your boundaries, asks meaningful questions, and makes you feel emotionally safe. In other words, look for patterns, not promises.

After loss, it’s tempting to compare every man with your late husband. Sometimes the comparison is comforting. Sometimes it keeps every new possibility at arm’s length. A new man won’t share the same history, habits, or way of loving, and he shouldn’t have to imitate someone he never knew. At the same time, don’t lower your standards because you’re afraid love won’t come again. Mature love is not a consolation prize.

Ask yourself these questions as you get to know him:

Does he communicate consistently?
Is he curious about your life without pushing you to share more than you’re ready to?
Can he talk about his own past with accountability?
Does he make plans and keep them?

Emotionally available, high-quality men may not create chaos or instant drama. But they offer something far more precious: steadiness.

How much should I share about my late husband on a first date?

You don’t have to tell your entire widowhood story on the first date. Share in layers as trust grows. A caring man will understand that your history is significant without treating it as a problem to fix or a rival to defeat.

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Will a New Love Ever Feel the Same?

Probably not, and that’s actually good news. A new love will be different, not less. One of the tenderest fears after widowhood is that another relationship might somehow diminish the first. But love isn’t measured by sameness.

A later-in-life relationship may be quieter, more intentional, more playful, or more deeply companionable. It may awaken parts of you that have been dormant for years. It may invite you to practice receiving in ways you never did before.

There may still be hard moments. Anniversaries, holidays, a familiar song, or a family milestone can bring fresh waves of grief even when you’re happy with someone new. The right partner won’t demand that you “get over” your loss. He’ll have the emotional maturity to make room for the truth of your heart.

And you can make room for his humanity, too. If he carries his own losses, disappointments, or fears, remember that intimacy isn’t about finding a flawless man. It’s about building a relationship where both of you can be real, responsible, and kind. (Curious what that looks like? Read our coaching success stories from women who found love in their 40s, 50s, 60s, and beyond.)

A new love won’t be the same. It will be different, not less.

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Frequently Asked Questions About Dating After Widowhood

Is it normal to want to date soon after losing a spouse?

Yes. Wanting companionship after loss is a normal human need, not a sign that you loved your husband any less. Some widows feel ready within months and others take years. The right time is when you can welcome a new person without expecting him to replace the one you lost.

How do I deal with guilt when dating as a widow?

Treat guilt gently instead of obeying it. Guilt often appears when joy returns, and it usually signals that your heart is adjusting to a new reality. Remind yourself that honoring your late husband and opening to new love can exist side by side.

Should I tell my adult children I’m dating?

Many widows find it helps to share gently once a relationship feels meaningful. Listen to your children’s feelings with compassion, but remember that you’re the one living your life, and your emotional needs and future matter too.

What is the Diamond Self?

The Diamond Self is Dr. Diana Kirschner’s term for the essential, radiant woman beneath grief, roles, and old fears. Reconnecting with your Diamond Self helps you feel worthy of being cherished, so you’re less likely to settle for a partner who can’t meet you with care. Learn more about finding your soulmate and get more dating advice for women.

Can a coach help widows start dating again?

Yes. A coach who understands grief can help you sort out guilt, readiness, and family dynamics, and guide you through modern dating at a pace that feels safe. Love in 90 Days now offers Concierge Love Mentoring, where you can request a coach who specializes in widowhood.

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Your Next Chapter Is Still Being Written

If you’re taking your first steps back toward love, let them be small enough to feel safe and brave enough to feel alive. Your life isn’t over because one profound love ended in loss.

You are still here. Still becoming. And you deserve a relationship that meets the beautiful woman you are now.

You Don’t Have to Walk This Path Alone

I’ve guided more than 60,000 women toward love, and here’s what I know for sure: the right guide can turn “I don’t know if I can do this” into “I’m ready.”

That’s why we’re so excited to introduce our new Concierge Love Coaching Services. Now you can choose a Certified Diamond Self Love Mentor who specializes in exactly what you’re going through, including a wonderful coach who works with widows. She has lived this herself. She lost her husband, walked through the grief, and found beautiful new love on the other side. She knows the guilt, the fear, and the hope, because she’s felt every one of them.

Request your free session with her today. In one heart-centered conversation, you’ll get clear on where you are, what’s holding you back, and your gentle next step toward love. Fill out the form and simply write “widow” on the “referred by” line.

→ Request Your Free Session with Our Widowhood Specialist

You’re still here, still becoming, and you deserve to be cherished. Let’s get you there.

About the author: Dr. Diana Kirschner is a psychologist, PBS Love Expert, and bestselling author of Love in 90 Days, The Diamond Self Secret, and Sealing the Deal. She has appeared on Oprah, Good Morning America, and The Today Show, and together with her team of Certified Diamond Self Love Mentors has helped more than 60,000 women find lasting love.

Relationship Coaching for Women Over 40 | Dr. Diana

Dr. Diana Kirschner — Fri, 30 Oct 2026 09:32:57 -0700

By Dr. Diana Kirschner, psychologist, PBS Love Expert, and bestselling author of Love in 90 Days · Updated October 2026

The short answer

Relationship coaching is a guided, goal-focused process that helps you change the inner patterns behind your love life, like who you’re drawn to, what you tolerate, and how easily you let yourself be loved, so you can attract and keep a healthy, committed partnership. It combines practical dating guidance with deeper work on self-worth, boundaries, and communication.

Let’s be honest for a moment. You run a household, a career, maybe a business. People come to you for answers. And yet when it comes to love, you feel tender, uncertain, or just plain tired.

Sound familiar? You are not alone, and nothing is wrong with you.

After working with more than 60,000 women, I can tell you that relationship coaching isn’t about fixing something broken. It’s about remembering the woman you are underneath the heartbreak, the disappointment, the self-protection, and all those years of putting everyone else first.

For so many women over 40, the longing isn’t just for someone to share dinner with. It’s about being chosen, cherished, and truly seen by an emotionally available man. It’s about a relationship that feels peaceful and passionate, not another chapter of overgiving, second-guessing, or settling.

Key takeaways

Relationship coaching works on the inner patterns that shape who you choose, not just your dating tactics.
It differs from dating advice because it pairs outer skills (meeting men, pacing, communication) with inner work (self-worth, boundaries, receiving).
Diana’s Diamond Self approach helps you date from your grounded, radiant core instead of from anxiety or people-pleasing.
Coaching is not therapy. It focuses on present-day choices and forward movement, and it can complement clinical care.
It’s most helpful when you understand your pattern intellectually but haven’t been able to change it in real life.

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What Is Relationship Coaching, Really?

Relationship coaching is a supportive, structured partnership with a trained coach who helps you identify the beliefs and habits that keep love at arm’s length, then practice new choices until they feel natural.

Yes, a good coach will help with the practical stuff. But here’s what I know for sure: lasting love asks for something deeper than knowing when to text back. It asks for a shift in the quiet inner patterns that decide whom you choose, what you tolerate, how you act in relationships and how freely you let yourself be loved!

What Can a Relationship Coach Help You Change?

A relationship coach can help you break repeating patterns, like attracting unavailable men, losing yourself in relationships, or feeling discouraged about dating after divorce or loss.

Maybe you keep falling for men who are charming but emotionally unavailable. Maybe you become the understanding one, the flexible one, the woman who asks for very little. Or perhaps dating has started to feel like a chore after betrayal, loss, or a long season of being single.

These experiences don’t mean you’re doomed to repeat the past. They usually mean an old protective strategy is still running the show. Coaching brings that strategy into the light, with compassion, so you can choose a new way forward.

Often, that means tranforming beliefs like:

“I’m too much.”
“I have to earn love.”
“All the good men are taken.”

When those beliefs soften, your choices change. You become more willing to be seen, more discerning about who gets your time, and more open to the kind of care you once assumed wasn’t available to you!

Your past patterns aren’t a life sentence. They’re a map showing you exactly where to heal.

How Is Relationship Coaching Different From Dating Advice?

Dating advice teaches tactics; relationship coaching changes the person using them. You need both, but tactics alone can’t create a secure, loving bond.

Dating advice is genuinely useful when you need a fresher profile, better photos, or more confidence on first dates. But a woman can know every dating rule in the book and still feel magnetically drawn to the one man who can’t meet her emotionally.

That’s why Diamond Self coaching brings the outer and inner work together:

The outer work: meeting emotionally healthy, high-quality men, communicating your desires, recognizing genuine effort, and pacing a new connection wisely.
The inner work: self-worth, emotional healing, boundaries, feminine radiance, and your ability to receive.

Remember, you don’t need to become someone else to attract love. You need to rise into the fullness of who you already are, so the right man can meet the real you.

For some women, coaching is about getting back into dating after a long break. For others, it’s about changing a painful dynamic in a current relationship. Either way, the common thread is this: you’re no longer willing to abandon yourself in the pursuit of love.

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What Is the Diamond Self, and Why Does It Change How Love Feels?

The Diamond Self is the term I use at Love in 90 Days for the grounded, radiant part of you that knows your worth and no longer shrinks to fit someone else’s limitations. When you date from your Diamond Self, your standards get clearer and love starts to feel calmer, more attainable and more mutual.

Here’s the thing about accomplished women: we’re trained to solve problems through effort. At work, that’s a superpower. In romance? It can turn into proving your value, decoding every mixed signal, and carrying the emotional weight of a relationship all by yourself.

Stepping into your Diamond Self invites a different question. Instead of “How can I make him choose me?” you start asking, “Does this connection honor the woman I’m becoming?”

That isn’t cold or demanding. It’s self-respecting. From this place, you can enjoy attraction without confusing chemistry with compatibility. You can be warm without being unprotected. You can want love deeply without chasing it.

Anxiety is not the same as passion.

A relationship that keeps you guessing can feel intoxicating, especially if unpredictability feels familiar. Healthy love may feel quieter at first. It grows through consistency, curiosity, follow-through, affection, and a shared willingness to repair misunderstandings.

What Will You Actually Work On With a Relationship Coach?

Most women work on four core areas: understanding their love blueprint, setting loving boundaries, communicating needs directly, and learning to receive. Your journey should still be personal, because your history and hopes are uniquely yours.

1. Your love blueprint

You’ll look gently at the relationships that shaped your expectations of love. This isn’t about blaming your parents or reliving every painful moment. It’s about understanding why certain dynamics feel familiar, so you can respond differently now.

2. Loving boundaries

You’ll strengthen your ability to set loving boundaries. A boundary isn’t a wall. It’s a clear expression of what supports your well-being, like “I’m looking for a committed relationship,” “I need consistency to feel connected,” or simply “That doesn’t work for me.” The right partner won’t punish you for clarity.

3. Honest, warm communication

So many of us learned to hint at our needs, minimize disappointment, or stay quiet until resentment boils over. Coaching helps you speak with warmth and directness, before a small concern becomes a painful pattern.

4. The art of receiving

Receiving a compliment without deflecting it. Accepting help without feeling indebted. Welcoming genuine interest without instantly hunting for the reason it will disappear. For many of our clients, this is the most tender and liberating part of the whole process. It is based in true self-love.

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Is Relationship Coaching the Same as Therapy?

No. Relationship coaching focuses on your goals, present-day choices, and forward movement, while therapy treats mental health concerns and heals deeper past wounds. Coaching is not a substitute for clinical care when trauma, depression, anxiety, or abuse is involved.

As a psychologist, I’ve seen how beautifully the two can work together. Therapy can address what needs clinical healing, while coaching helps you turn insight into new choices on real dates, with real men, in real time.

How Do You Know If Relationship Coaching Is Right for You?

Coaching is a strong fit if you understand your pattern intellectually but haven’t been able to change it in real life. Ask yourself whether any of these ring true:

You’ve read the books, talked it through with friends, and promised yourself “next time will be different.”
Then a familiar type of man shows up, and the old pull comes right back.
You tend to overfunction in relationships or override your own intuition.
You sometimes mistake crumbs for connection.
You’re ready for a committed relationship, but dating has left you discouraged.

If you nodded along, a coach can offer what willpower alone can’t: a compassionate, loving mirror, structure, and accountability. She can help you catch the moment you’re about to slip into an old pattern and support you as you practice a new response until it becomes second nature.

Want to see what that looks like in real life? Read some of our coaching success stories.

How Do You Choose the Right Relationship Coach?

Choose a coach whose approach honors both your tenderness and your intelligence, and who helps you become more yourself, not less.

You deserve guidance that never shames you for wanting romance, never pressures you to “perform” femininity, and never reduces love to games or manipulation. Look for training, a clear method, and real client results. And trust how you feel after the first conversation.

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Frequently Asked Questions About Relationship Coaching

Who is relationship coaching for?

Relationship coaching is for anyone who wants to change their love life, and it’s especially powerful for successful single women over 40 who feel stuck in repeating patterns or discouraged about dating after divorce, loss, or a long time single.

How long does relationship coaching take to work?

Every woman’s timeline is different, and no coach can honestly guarantee a result. Many of our clients notice shifts in confidence and in the men they attract within the first few weeks, because the inner changes show up quickly in how they date.

Can relationship coaching help if I’m already in a relationship?

Yes. Coaching can help you shift painful dynamics, communicate more directly, and set boundaries in an existing relationship, not only while dating, but even after marriage. In fact it may be even more important AFTER marriage in order to create lasting passionate love!

What’s the difference between a dating coach and a relationship coach?

A dating coach usually focuses on tactics like profiles, first dates, and texting. A relationship coach includes those skills but also addresses the self-worth, attachment patterns, and boundaries that determine whether a relationship lasts.

What is a Diamond Self Love Mentor?

A Diamond Self Love Mentor is a relationship coach personally trained and certified by Dr. Diana Kirschner in her Diamond Self method, which helps women attract lasting passionate love by dating from a place of high self-worth rather than anxiety and self-protection.

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Let Love Meet the Real You

You don’t have to harden your heart to protect it. And you don’t have to settle for a relationship that leaves you lonely while sitting right next to someone.

There’s a middle path: open-hearted, discerning, radiant, and rooted in self-trust.

The love you desire may ask you to release old stories, take brave new actions, and let yourself be seen in ways that feel vulnerable. But every single time you choose self-honor over self-abandonment, you’re creating a brand-new relationship with love itself.

Let that be your next beautiful beginning.

Ready to Meet the Love You Deserve?

I’ve guided more than 60,000 women through this exact transformation, and here’s what I know for sure: the moment you stop shrinking and start shining, love begins to find you differently.

Book your free Gift Discovery Call with one of my Certified Diamond Self Love Mentors. In one conversation, you’ll uncover the pattern that’s been holding you back and walk away with a clear next step toward the emotionally available man you’ve been waiting for.

→ Save Your Spot Now at LoveIn90Days.com

You deserve to be cherished. Let’s get you there.

Individual results vary. Coaching is not a substitute for professional mental health treatmen

How to Be More Sexually Intimate with Your Partner

Dr. Diana Kirschner — Mon, 12 Oct 2026 22:00:53 -0700

Did you ever wonder how to be more sexually intimate with your partner? Well one of our Love Mentoring clients was certainly mystified. Bridget signed up for ongoing coaching. And within the year found new charisma and new confidence. And the great love of her life, John, a warm chiropractor.

The chemistry with John was like a scene out of Fifty Shades of Grey. He was crazy about Bridget. And after a few months of keeping him waiting, she was finally ready to answer ‘yes’ to his requests for exclusivity. And ‘yes’ to his longing to be more sexually intimate.

How to Be More Sexually Intimate with Your Partner: The Case of Bridget and John

But she was worried about being sexual. Bridget was never able to feel very passionate in all the years of her 20-year marriage. And she felt like a novice in the bedroom. Terrified that things would go south (and not in a good way). That’s when her Love Mentor taught Bridget the four best sex secrets of happy couples. And that could make her love with John play out in the most fulfilling way. In the most passionate way. And I am happy to say, the four best sex secrets did just that.

Bridget handled her sexual life very well in that she did not have sex prematurely. But once she did start, she made a commitment to learning about how to enjoy great sex. And learning about the sex secrets of happy couples. Making love is a not a good idea before you have a serious committed relationship. But once you are committed, having the best sex possible is very important. It helps your relationship last and get even better over time. And the four best sex secrets helped.

How to Be More Sexually Intimate with Your Partner: The Great Benefits of Sexual Intimacy

Did you know that really fulfilling sex releases endorphins. And that elevates mood, lowers stress and even pain levels? After having satisfying sex, each partner associates feeling good with the other. Testosterone, the sexual hormone engine for both men and women, also generates feelings of connection. Finally, having sex drives up levels of oxytocin (the cuddle, tend & befriend hormone). That explains why for many men, (and women) having sex is usually synonymous with feeling intimate and close. So how do you become more sexually intimate with your partner? Read on.

How to Be More Sexually Intimate with Your Partner: Novelty

Dopamine is one of the infatuation brain chemicals that gives us that awesome over-the-moon feeling. It is produced when we first fall in love. And then through new and novel activities keep dopamine infatuation going. Well, nothing keeps the dopamine going more than novelty in bed. So the #1 best sex secret of happy couples is: vary the places you make love, vary the way you set the stage through candlelight, a bubble bath, feathers, sex toys, whipped cream, or new kinds of lingerie and sexy outfits. Vary your foreplay and try different sexual positions. Exploring new products together can also be a simple way to introduce variety and discover what you both enjoy. A retailer such as Lion’s Den, Cirilla’s, or others offers a range of pleasure products that can help couples explore different options at their own pace. Taking the time to choose something together can also make the experience feel more playful and collaborative.

You might end up laughing yourselves silly as you experiment. Neither my husband nor I is a gymnast, so some of the Kama Sutra is a laugh riot for us. Take it all as fun and games. In the end, make sure that both of you are fully satisfied. No matter whether that’s achieved orally, manually, or through intercourse.

Sex is a wonderful and joyful gift that you both share in and enjoy. Good, frequent sex promotes your own physical and mental health. And that of your man, and the vitality of the relationship. Among other things, it is associated with a reduced incidence of breast cancer in women who have never had a child. And more restful sleep, greater pain relief and elevation of mood. And, looking younger, overall fitness, longevity, and happiness!

How to Be More Sexually Intimate with Your Partner: Sexual Trance

Sexual trance involves an inward focus where each partner focuses on his or her own pleasure and sensations. And creates a fulfilling sexual release. In win-win sex, each of you is pleasured and finds a strong release in orgasm. Learn by experimenting so that you know what works for him. And what works for you. This is an important sex secret to passionate couples that my coaches teach.

In order to learn what works for him, try touching, massaging, licking, or stimulating all the different parts of his body. Observe and ask him questions about what feels good. Try different sexual acts, variations of intercourse positions, and, most important, oral sex. Virtually all men adore oral sex. This is what men really want. If you have a problem with this, consider the fact that if your man showers, chances are his mouth has more germs than his penis does!

RELATED POST: REIGNITING THE PASSION

How to Be More Sexually Intimate with Your Partner: Learn What Works for Your Partner

In order to learn what works for your partner, try touching, massaging, licking, or stimulating all the different parts of the body. Observe and ask questions about what feels good. What creates a hot vibe between you? It is all about the energy connection between you–don’t worry about your technique! Just play and experiment. Sometimes touching the inner parts of his thighs, or around his nipples may be very arousing. Try different sexual acts, variations of intercourse positions and oral sex. Most men adore oral sex. If this is a problem for you, you may be able to find a way that it works for you, i.e., doing it while he is wearing a condom or just for a little while.

How to Be More Sexually Intimate with Your Partner: Discover What Works for You

Ultimately you are responsible for knowing your body and creating the conditions for your own sexual pleasure. The best way to do this is by using what sex therapists call sensate focus. This simple but effective sex secret requires only that you be in an undisturbed place where you playfully touch and stimulate different parts of your body and learn about what sensations feel good to you. You’ll find it’s best if you tease yourself but don’t reach climax. Learn how to arouse yourself first; the rest will come easier.

The more you know about your own body, the better your lover will be able to please you. Guide him or her by saying positive things like, “I love it when you stroke my breast gently.” Or “I would love you to use your magic mouth on my tummy and work your way down.” Or you can say, “That is wonderful! Could you stroke me a little (slower/faster/in a teasing way/ with lubricant/using your tongue, etc).” Be validating and then very very specific about what you want, when you want it and for how long. Your partner will be thrilled with how responsive you become to him and his touch. And you will be over-the-moon with pleasure and fulfillment.

For more information on how to be more sexually intimate with your partner, just sign up for a free coaching session right on this page.

6 Secrets to Finding Sexual Chemistry & Keeping it Juicy

Dr. Diana Kirschner — Mon, 05 Oct 2026 09:20:07 -0700

Sexual Chemistry– an amazing, juicy feeling of physical attraction between two people that is magnetic, turns on sensory receptors and causes a person to feel more alive. The pull is to be close and touch, to caress and pleasure each other fully. And finally, to lose the two separate selves and become one by surrendering together in an expanding wave of sexual union and orgasmic release.

“We lie in each other’s arms eyes shut and fingers open and all the colors of the world pass through our bodies like strings of fire.” Marge Piercy

Sounds delicious, right! But how do you find sexual chemistry with someone? And exactly how do you keep it going, even as you are together for years and years. That is the challenge. and yes, it can be done! In fact, when things solidify in your relationship and you get to know each other’s likes and dislikes in the bedroom, you can find more fulfilling sex that creates even greater chemistry over time. So here are six key secrets for how to find and keep juicy, passionate love that gets hotter and hotter.

Sexual Chemistry Tip #1: It’s either there with a new match or it’s not.

First of all, you either have chemistry with a person or you do not. You can’t make it happen if there isn’t any to begin with. Because initially chemistry relies on lots of factors that scientists are just beginning to understand—factors like smell, fantasies of one’s ideal mate, resemblance to a parent, etc. That being said, it is not always apparent when you meet someone whether there is some chemistry buried in a new relationship. The guy may be shy, you may be shy and the chemistry may be suppressed. So if you meet someone who is a good guy, who is interested in you, but you don’t feel any chemistry at first, give it time.

So have a few dates with him. See him in his element—giving a talk, playing in a band, etc. And try kissing him to see if things can ignite! You may be pleasantly surprised to find sexual chemistry was there all along, right under the surface!

RELATED POST: HOW TO SPARK CHEMISTRY WITH A GOOD MAN

Sexual Chemistry Tip #2: In an established relationship, be sure to make time for sex

As a relationship begins to solidify and grows to the commitment stage and then, perhaps marriage, sexual chemistry has to be cultivated and kept alive. Healthy couples kindle and rekindle their chemistry. This starts with fulfilling each other’s sexual needs regularly. Healthy couples do not let sex fall to the bottom of the To-Do list. They make time to have sex, no matter how busy they are. Because they know the rule: If you don’t use it, you lose it!

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Sexual Chemistry Tip #3: Switch things up in the bedroom

The brain chemical dopamine is produced when we first fall in love. And novel activities keep that dopamine infatuation going. So vary the places you make love, change the way you set the stage through flirting, candle lighting, a bubble bath, feathers, sex toys, whipped cream or new kinds of lingerie, or sexy outfits. You can have fun reading erotic stories, magazines and comics or watching erotic movies together. Share fantasies. Don’t worry, only about 95% of people report having sexual fantasies. Start off slowly and just describe a fantasy about the two of you. Begin the story and ask your Beloved to end it. And if a “quickie” happens be sure to enjoy it!

Take it all as fun and games. This adds even more bonding and relaxation with each other and opens the door to more chemistry.

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Sexual Chemistry Tip #4: Learn what works best for you and ask for it!

Ultimately you are responsible for knowing your body and creating the conditions for your own sexual pleasure. Find an undisturbed place where you playfully touch and stimulate different parts of your body and learn about what sensations feel good to you. A good vibrator can be very helpful in learning about what stimulation will bring you to orgasm. The more you know about your own body the better you and your lover will be able to please you. Guide him by saying positive things like, “I love it when you stroke my breast gently.” Or “I would love you to use your magic mouth on my tummy and work your way down.”

Sexual Chemistry Tip #5: Learn what works best for him

In order to learn what works for him, try touching, massaging, kissing, licking or stimulating all the different parts of his body. Observe and ask him questions about what feels good. For couples interested in exploring different types of stimulation, learning about prostate massage can also be part of discovering what feels pleasurable. A prostate stimulator guide can help partners understand the different types of toys available, how they are designed, and what to consider when exploring this kind of intimate experience together.

Also, try different sexual acts, variations in intercourse positions and most importantly, oral sex. Virtually all men adore oral sex. If you have a problem with this, consider the fact that if your man showers, chances are his mouth has more germs than his penis does!

Sexual Chemistry Tip # 6: Make sure that you are fully satisfied

In the end, make sure that both of you are completely satisfied no matter whether that’s achieved orally, manually or through intercourse. Satisfying sex releases endorphins, which elevate mood and lower stress and pain levels. So after having sex each partner associates feeling good with the other. Testosterone, the sexual hormone engine for both men and women, also generates feelings of connection. And finally, having sex drives up levels of oxytocin which explains why for many men, having sex is usually synonymous with feeling intimate and close.

Sexual Chemistry: Next Steps

If you or your partner has problems in the sexual arena first try breaking through your barriers on your own. Otherwise, if you feel you need help, sign up for a complimentary coaching session. It is designed to help you breakthrough to the chemistry you want!

If your partner has erectile dysfunction there are medications available that have been very effective. Don’t let a physical problem prevent either of you from having sex. Check with your physicians. Treat this problem as you would diabetes or any other serious illness. It will be well worth it.

Sex is a wonderful gift to be enjoyed and shared by both of you. Good, frequent sex promotes your own health, that of your man and the vitality of the relationship. It is even associated with a reduced incidence of breast cancer in women who have never had a child, more restful sleep, pain relief, elevation of mood, looking younger, overall fitness, longevity and happiness! So uplift your sexual chemistry and go for it!

Nine Relationship Tips to Spark Chemistry with a Good Man

Dr. Diana Kirschner — Mon, 21 Sep 2026 03:00:29 -0700

Do Nice Guys Finish Last in Your Dating Life?

Have you ever wondered, How do you spark chemistry with a good man? Well, you’re not alone. Here’s an email I recently got from Rachel:

“Dr. Diana, I truly am ready to have a real relationship. With a nice guy. A good guy. I’m sick of my lousy choices! I just found out that Bob, who I dated six years ago and who was crazy about me, the guy who wanted a serious relationship with me– but I blew off… is married with two adorable toddlers.”

We’ll catch up with Rachel later on. Maybe like Rachel you’re done with players, the ones who come on strong and disappear, cheaters and all-around heart-breakers. You’re sick of being disappointed, hurt, betrayed, furious and depressed. Sick of lying on the couch with the remote and your cell while you go through a whole tissue box worth of tears. Your mind tells you that choosing from a pool of nice guys will save you from more wasted time with men who are not into you. Or scoundrels who betray you or narcissists who blame you for any and every problem. You’re ready for a partner who is your best friend.

Tips to Spark Chemistry: You just don’t feel it with the nice guys.

No tingle. No adrenaline rush when he looks into your eyes. You wonder: How do you spark chemistry with the one guy you met online, the paunchy one? He’s a great guy, successful, giving, crazy about you, and even has nice eyes, you think. But you’re not feeling like he’s the right one and what’s worse you don’t know how to spark chemistry with these nice guys. Are you doomed to only be drawn to those you can’t have?

Answer: No you’re not.
I’ve worked with many women who complained of the same dilemma: how do I spark chemistry with a good man? And where are they now? They married great guys.
So what are the secrets that these women have used to be in committed relationships with great guys, good men who have integrity and are loyal.

Here then are nine relationship tips that my Love Mentors® share with their clients. Please use them to join the ranks of women who overcame their initial lack of attraction, learned how to spark chemistry and fell in love with terrific guys.

#1. Tip to Spark Chemistry: Remember to give him a real chance.

Even if he is balding, paunchy, nerdy, or is not particularly attractive. In fact, you want to date against type. Be honest with yourself: Has dating your type gotten you anywhere? Even if the first date doesn’t blow you away, remember to stay open. Go for at least a second or third date. You cannot know what secret goodies are hidden in someone by one meeting. So you have to let a potential partner unfold and show you his different sides. If there is any connection with this person at all, give it another chance.

#2. Tip to Spark Chemistry: Practice my Opening Possibility Exercises Now (OPEN.)

If a guy seems crazy about you, is willing to grow, and is a good guy–use my OPEN Techniques to see what may be there. First, think of him as a present wrapped in nested boxes. As you interact, you are unwrapping the present and finding out more and more things about him that may be wonderful. This process often leads to marvelous chemistry and connection!

#3. Tip to Spark Chemistry: Go on dates that are exciting, novel and get adrenaline pumping.

Novel and exciting experiences can spark chemistry. Go on a roller coaster at the amusement park, rock climbing at his gym, take a helicopter ride, try hiking on a high, winding trail or wind-surfing, make a mad dash to catch sunset at the beach, scream yourselves silly at a football game or the racetrack. Studies show that people who are emotionally aroused, whether by joy, fear, or any feeling, fall in love more easily. As two love researchers once wrote, “Adrenaline makes the heart grow fonder.”

#4. Tip to Spark Chemistry: Use affirmations before each date.

I have fun with this man. I see the hidden possibilities in (his name). This man is a present for my enjoyment. Over time, I will learn more about him. I uncover and enjoy the wonderful aspects of this man. I spark chemistry with (his name).

RELATED POST: 7 POWERFUL SELF-LOVE AFFIRMATIONS

#5. Tip to Spark Chemistry: See him in his element.

For instance, plan a date around skiing, a performance of his rock band or his softball game. In this example, you will catch sides of him you haven’t seen before. His personal power and charisma will be at their height. So you may open up a host of juicy feelings and spark chemistry between you.

#6.Tip to Spark Chemistry: Turn yourself on first.

For example, go on a date wearing your sexiest lingerie under your clothes. Flirt with him, touch him lightly, whisper in his ear and maybe kiss him. So spark chemistry with him by putting yourself in the mood first.

If you want to explore your own pleasure before a date, brands such as Womanizer, We-Vibe, and LELO offer products for different preferences. Options include external stimulators, couples’ toys, and LELO’s G-spot vibrators for internal stimulation. Learning what feels good to you can help you feel more confident, comfortable, and connected to your desires.

#7. Tip to Spark Chemistry: Use the magic phrase to ask for what you want.

So the magic phrase is, “I would really love it if you (fill in the blank!). For example, “I would really love it if you kissed me soooo gently on the back of the neck.” If he responds with sensual moves based on tips 6 and 7, your ‘spark chemistry experiment’ may prove to be the start of something great!

#8. Tip to Spark Chemistry: Be patient!

Keep on dating that nice guy and practice the tips above. Remember, sparking chemistry, like lighting a fire in the woods, sometimes takes some time!

#9. Tip to Spark Chemistry: Remember, that love almost always comes in a surprise package.

In fact, most people do not end up with the kind of person they imagine for themselves. For example, the woman who dates starving artists marries a rich, balding lawyer.

RELATED POST: NO CHEMISTRY? CAN YOU STILL FALL IN LOVE?

What Happened to Rachel?

And Rachel, remember her? She worked with one of my Dating Coaches and created a gem of a marriage with a tall plain geek who was her champion and a healing force of nature in her life. So practice these nine relationship tips to spark chemistry with a good man and your love life will make a 180° turn.